then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
