I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
