are you still at the devil's house?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
