my phone needs a breathalizer
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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