I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
