Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
