I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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