Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
