When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
