Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
