I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
