You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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