Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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