Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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