You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
