you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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