did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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