somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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