just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
