So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
