he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
