how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
