Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
