i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
