Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
