Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
