How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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