I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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