JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
