I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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