They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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