i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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