she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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