I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
