She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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