i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
