she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He shit in the fireplace
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