I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
