i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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