She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
