sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
