I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I need to stop coming to work sober
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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