I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
