I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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