i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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