what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
