its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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