So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
