Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
