She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
