We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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