I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
