I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
