4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
